After all, I was the one trying to get rid of my parents in the first place.Īfter moving in, I pushed my parents' concerns to the side. It seemed a bit hypocritical to yell at my mom about not meeting my expectations. But, of course, I bit my tongue long enough to watch her car turn the corner. As I walked my mom back to her car, part of me wanted to turn to her and scream about how desperately I wanted her to embrace this next chapter of my life. It might not have been the same as the excited smiles I saw on Cameron and Sophie’s parents' faces, but it was the best she could do at the moment. So there I stood, watching eagerly for my mom’s small nods of approval. I knew the only way for things to get better between us was for me to embark on this journey that made us both uncomfortable. But after years of being in the industry, our relationship had become incredibly strained - we found ourselves arguing more times than not, and harboring unspoken resentments. My younger self was desperate to be the perfect kid who did what was expected of him, while “bringing honor to the family name,” and positioning himself to be successful enough that his parents' journey as immigrants felt worth it. ![]() Oddly enough, I felt as disappointed as they did by my desire to separate. But this, most of all, felt like a sharp change to the plan for my future. Awkwardly removing them from the CC list on work emails was even worse. Starting to sign my own checks had initially been confusing to my parents. I’d tried to ease us all into the idea of my independence, but it didn’t go as planned. My request to move 10 miles away from my parents’ house was breaking an unspoken social contract. The way she and my dad were raised, kids don’t move out until they’re married and ready to start a life of their own. She was trying her best to put on a brave face, but even with her modern outfits and perfect English, I could see her fighting the instincts ingrained in her as a young woman growing up in India. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter how long I had been preparing her for this moment, I could still feel her sadness as she silently inspected my future room. I decided to give my mom a tour of the new place in hopes that it might get her equally excited about this next chapter of my life. Having just turned 20, it felt like the perfect time to move out of my parents’ home. ![]() In 2019, I moved in with my best friends Cameron Boyce and Sophie Reynolds. I set myself adrift and waited to see where I landed. So, on the floor of that empty house in 2021, I decided to not only to finally cover the walls with art and bold colors, I decided to cut the cord tying me to that version of myself. It felt pointless to try to control what people thought of me, but as I drifted further and further from an acted version of myself, I still felt held back by it. Every night it deflated, so I spent a lot of time in my underwear, on the hardwood floor, swiping through men and women on a dating app, waiting for the mattress to reach some semblance of firmness. I didn’t even buy the air mattress - my friends were kind enough to lend it to me while I waited for my pandemic-delayed actual furniture. I had owned a home for about three months and, in that time, acquired three pieces of “furniture”: this air mattress, a box cosplaying as a nightstand, and a floor pillow that my cat Max liked to sunbathe on. and I was once again rolling off my thoroughly deflated air mattress. If you or someone you know is going through a crisis, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or +1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) you can reach the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). ![]() In this essay, actor Karan Brar reflects on reckoning the gap between his public and private personas.Ĭontent Warning: This story contains a discussion of suicide and substance use.
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